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A Conversation Algorithm I Cribbed From Clinical Psychologists

Many folks find me abrasive. I pry, probe, steamroll conversations, miss social cues, argue, trounce boundaries, send mixed/unintentional signals, deeply offend, and so on.

I'm as charismatic as a root canal.

But I'm determined to grow. Books like HTWFAIP and How to Have Impossible Conversations and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen contain countless gems to evoke the best from people.

Unfortunately, I can't use that wisdom. When it comes time to put my mouth where my mouth is, I drown in the speed of normal conversation.

People somehow learn this stuff. There's literally school for it. How do they learn to talk and listen?

There are no shortcuts. In licensed therapy programs, professionals evangelize conflicting frameworks and nobody knows what's going on. I'm here to share one such framework.

Motivational Interviewing

Motivational Interviewing was developed for substance abuse rehabilitation, but it's grown popular with clinical psychologists, therapists, counselors, etc.

I'm no professional -- just some random internet person -- but MI has dramatically improved my listening skills.

My amateur summary of MI is that (1) people feel ambivalence, (2) change comes from within, and (3) "OARS" conversations hasten that change.

Ambivalence

I suddenly spotted that ambivalence everywhere. People frequently feel anxiety/grief about work, family, health, etc. These enormous feelings leak into conversations as venting, gossip, smalltalk, and current events.

Street Epistomology offers guides on how to encourage productive dialogue. Consider using those techniques to help others explore beliefs and feelings.

Change

Watching somebody's brain "click" is a rare delight of life. All of a sudden, that face lights up -- loss to enlightenment.

These moments rarely happen during dialogue, because you can't change the brain through the ears.

Think about your own experience. Most "a-ha" moments don't occur in the classroom -- they happen while doing the homework. There is no substitute for first-person learning.

You cannot lecture somebody into changing beliefs/feelings/motivations, but you can totally watch friends do their homework.

Don't assume too much -- part of the magic is learning what homework they've assigned themselves.

OARS

When people share confused/conflicting feelings, you can use OARS:

Yeah, I hate social-science acronyms too. I've internalized it as an algorithm:

  1. Move conversations along via "You…" statements. Where do you think they're going with this? e.g. "You're thinking about quitting.", "You're frustrated by your progress.", "You're unsure what to do next." If you don't know where they're going next, ask an open-ended question.
  2. If you're impressed by somebody's strength/courage/etc, pay them a compliment. Never lie or patronize.
  3. When they conclude a line of thought, ask an open-ended question.
  4. When lots of tangents/threads are open, identify themes/patterns and try summarizing.

Practice your conversational skills with this LLM prompt: "Help me practice OARS via role-playing. You are a friend I haven't seen in a few weeks."

Examples

I'm thinking about trying that new restaurant downtown, but I saw some mixed reviews online. Some people loved it and others said the service was terrible.

Everyone's talking about that new show, but I watched three episodes and just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm missing something.

Did you hear about that big tech company layoff? They cut 5000 jobs after reporting record profits last quarter. It seems so unfair.

I hate my job. My boss micromanages everything I do, and I feel like I'm wasting my talents. But I can't afford to quit.

I know I should exercise more and eat better. Every Monday I start a new routine but by Wednesday I'm back to my old habits. I just don't have the willpower.

I've been offered two jobs. One pays better but requires long hours. The other is more aligned with my interests but the salary is lower. I've been going back and forth for days and can't decide.

My partner and I keep having the same argument. They say I'm not communicative enough, but when I try to talk, they interrupt or criticize what I'm saying. It's easier to just stay quiet.