Please Sell My Personal Information

Dear customer support,

I made a mistake and need your help.

I accidentally clicked the “do not sell my personal information” link at the bottom of your website.

Your “do not sell my information” form looks suspiciously like a “please sell my information” form, and I mistakenly submitted it. Please reverse this action at your earliest convenience.

I’m begging you to continue selling my personal information.

Without targeted advertising, I’ll be forced to rely upon word-of-mouth and expert reviews. I prefer to pick products with massive marketing budgets.

Openly sharing my credit card transaction history will make the world a better place. Financial transparency means putting my money where your mouth is.

I am proud of you and your corporation. Delivering my data to murky beareaucracies sounds laborious. Sharing my personal matters with mysterious algorithms seems like quite a workout. You deserve every dollar.

I’m sorry that my life is only worth a pittance to your megalith. Despite my infinitesimal value to your shareholders, I hope I can occupy a small corner of your corporation’s very large heart.

I have always been quite fond of my personal information, so I hope your algorithms are enjoying my memories as much I do.

with love,
Your Valued Customer

P.S. Please also sell the personal information of my friends and family. I don’t have their consent, but neither do you, so it’ll be our little secret.