Placebo Emporium: 2025 Annual Shareholder Letter

Dearest valued shareholders,

Thank you so much for supporting Placebo Emporium. Since 1971, we've been proud to sell the world's finest placebos at affordable wholesale prices.

Strategic Initiatives & Progress

Annual revenue increased 11% (from $108B to $119B) in 2025 [see table 8F in appendix]. We credit much of this increase to the launch of our wildly popular "spicy mayo" and "licorice" flavor add-ons.

Traffic to our online store surged 6% this year, thanks to new marketing campaigns and ad placements. The "you won't believe our prices" campaign took the internet by storm after premiering on Saturday Night Live's episode with Sam Bankman Fried (and his cast of prison puppets), who performed surprisingly well from his humble prison webcam.

Jim Henson's legacy looms over us yet. Puppeteering is a serious artform and surely due for a comeback.

Our new line of BetterSleep™ placebos shows a 250% improvement over traditional sleep aids like white noise, lying still, simulating sheep -- whatever helps you sleep at night.

Challenges & Responses

This year was full of learning and growth opportunities for our organization.

In response to "shrinkflation" allegations, we have added 10% more placebo to each pill bottle, and doubled^[5] the potency of our intramuscular syringes, nasal sprays, and suppositories. We guarantee that our placebos will help you regress to any mean, or else!

We are aware that many highly disreputable organizations have reported rising rates of placebo addiction (and overdoses). To placate regulators, we launched Placebo Emporium Addiction Support (PEAS) groups in select cities nationwide; these anonymous groups meet at undisclosed locations every Tuesday (or whenever).

Supply-chain disruptions delayed the production of our double-blind-resistant placebos. We are optimistic that our manufacturing partners in Vietnam will double their Nothing™ output by Q3 2026.

Nothing™ may induce unintended side-effects for hypochondriacs. If you think you or a loved one may be affected, visit our website to schedule a supplemental HypochondriaResistance™ injection.

Unfortunately, these supply shocks have reignited the sale of black market placebos and stoked gang violence across the nation. These cheap imitations are often cut with psychoactive substances, leading to negative side-effects such as elevated heart-rate and feeling really really good. Placebo Emporium guarantees that its placebos contain 100% non-bioavailable matter [PremiumPills™ only, while supplies last].

Talk to your doctor before taking placebos. Do not operate heavy machinery. May increase risk of injury or death. May reduce chances of afterlife.

Market Environment & Industry Trends

Placebo Emporium is eager to meet demand in the growing holistic medicine market. We have committed $200M to potential product lines that will replicate that special mystical feeling of homeopathy/witchcraft/etc.

All our placebos are sustainably sourced from the finest inert matter, but we continue to face fierce competition in the natural foods sector. Our organic/vegan/non-GMO placebos have accrued steady market share over the past year. We believe that we can attain market dominance before 2030 by bribing Whole Foods employees with livable wages.

As income inequality increases, we expect the bifurcating economy to create many fresh marketing challenges for our company. For our wealthier customers, our PremiumPlus™ package delivers the same beloved placebo experience at double the price.

Looking Forward

Forward-looking statements may or may not look forward.

After many fruitful conversations with US regulators, we are excited to announce that our disposable "straight-up meth" vapes will be back on shelves early next year.

May contain actual meth.

PlaceboforPets™ is ready to roll out in stores nationwide. Pets seem generally immune to the placebo effect, but pet-parents remain vulnerable. We expect PlaceboforPets™ treatments to be 25% cheaper than typical veterinarian care.

If humans want to remain the dominant species on Earth, do not feed PlaceboforPets™ to raccoons. You have been warned.

Looking to the future, our R&D team is working diligently to synthesize quantum-resistant placebos. Keith Park, our new VP of Lasers, is really really smart and delightful at after-work mixers.

Closing

We are so deeply grateful to our family of customers and equity partners. Your money means the world to us.

In 2025 and beyond, Placebo Emporium delivers its "less is more" promise in new and exciting ways. We think something is happening.

Warmest feelings,

Mr. Fench "Doctor Fench" Hastings, FhD, MBA, CPA