Insurance Insurance

Hello, thank you for contacting customer support. How can I help you today?

Hi there. I think there's been a mistake on my monthly statement.

Ah, yes, of course. Is this about your car insurance?

No, my car insurance seems perfectly reasonable. The problem is that I can't afford this Premium Insurance-Squared thing, and to be honest, I don't even remember purchasing--

Got it. Yeah. We get this one a lot. It looks like you didn't opt-out from Premium Insurance-Squared when you first purchased your car insurance.

Opt-out? I don't even know what this thing is. Can't I just--

Well, sir, you are one lucky fellow! Premium Insurance-Squared protects you against unexpected loss of coverage. Would you like to upgrade--

What? Loss of coverage? Are you saying that it's like, uh, insurance insurance?

Yes, sir. That is correct! Premium Insurance-Squared is the leading--

Thank you, I'm sure it's a great deal, but I cannot afford it right now. Let's just cancel it.

Okay, I understand that you want to cancel your Premium Insurance-Squared plan?

Yes, that would be great. Thank you--

I'm afraid I cannot do that, sir. Cancelling your plan would be considered insurance fraud, and both of us could be held liable. Might I remind you that this is a recorded line?

Fraud? No, I just want--

Sir, before you put yourself in legal jeopardy, let me say this: insurance insurance covers itself. You cannot cancel it without committing fraud.

Hmm. Well, uh, what should I do then? I really can't afford this.

Great question! Our brilliant sales department anticipated situations like this. For only 50% more, billed annually, you can upgrade to Premium-Squared Insurance-Squared Plus! This revolutionary new plan covers all insurance plans that do not insure themselves.

Well, I have no money. What happens if I can't pay?

Yeah, we get that question a lot. In fact, our legal team is working with the world's best logicians on that very question. And while awaiting your trial, we would strongly recommend an all-expenses-paid trip to Camp Labor, where all your dreams can be laid to rest.

Dreams? Don't you mean my worries?

…Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Yeah, what happens if an apocalypse comes? Like, what happens if the insurance insurance department goes under?

I understand your concern, but I'm afraid I can't help you with that. Would you like me to transfer you to our Insurance-Cubed specialist?

No, thanks. I suspect that they'll have similar difficulties. Could you maybe connect me to an "infinite insurance" specialist?

Don't be silly, sir! We don't offer that here at our agency. It's too difficult to compete when churches give it out for free. And trust me -- coverage from a literal act-of-God sounds like an incredible deal, but just wait until you try filing a claim with them -- it takes a literal lifetime! No, sir, you made the right decision choosing our Premium Insurance-Squared plan, and we thank you for your continued business.