take everything to your grave

embalmed in the blood of the last living pandas

24-karat-gold coffin encrusted with sapphires

rocket-powered stretch-limo/hearse/monster-truck powered by high-octane whale-oil

every United States citizen in the funeral procession motorcade

six thriving ecosystems replaced by a reasonably-priced parking-lot

a mile-high concrete tomb erected on sacred lands

Easter Island heads in the lobby

adjoining gift-shop with clever screen-printed apparel and surprisingly good coffee

obituaries read by The Pope and The Dalai Lama and Meghan Markle

fifty thousand pallbearers with tailored suits

orphan meat hors d’oeuvres (with genuine wasabi) served to all funeral attendees

an unprecedented halftime show duet from Bruno Mars and a clone of Elvis Presley

souvenier travel-cups fashioned from California’s oldest sequoias

nuclear-powered-space-fireworks light the entire earth for hours

seventy virgins thrown into the volcano

streamed live to every flat surface in the universe

all proceeds donated to charity