Profitable Parenting

Middle-class families spend ~$13K per year on every child. Parents quickly discover that kids sap incalculable quantities of time/energy from every waking hour.

But raising children shouldn’t bankrupt your family! What if you ran your family like a business? What if motherhood looked more like management? What if each baby was an investment in your future?

Profitable Parenting brings balanced budgets to all households. This guide will teach you how to transform your children from liabilities into assets.

Furthermore, Profitable Parenting aligns your wallet with your moral compass. Give your little ones the gift of life-long skills and a strong work ethic! Build their confidence and character via manual labor.

1. Become a toothfairy.
2. Use affiliate links.
3. Sell tickets to virtual birthday parties.
4. Teach them to make Roblox apps.
5. Train your child to produce hand-crafted goods to sell on Etsy.
6. Turn their tantrums into art.
7. Sell their hair.
8. Advertise their lifestyle on Instagram.
9. Train your children to preform petty theft.
10. Create a family lifestyle blog.
11. Sell a course on how to be a good parent.

Caveat: Be careful not to create a sweatshop in your own home! Consider scheduling “half-days” on weekends and federal holidays. Children are more than 18 years of cheap labor; worker loyalty is always worth consideration.

1. Become a toothfairy.

Sell your child’s lost teeth! Take inspiration from human teeth crafts on Etsy or partner with an ethical supplier like B for Bones.

2. Use affiliate links.

Give your children affiliate links to hand out to their classmates. There’s nothing more popular than the latest trends from Amazon!

3. Sell tickets to virtual birthday parties.

Children love screens and birthday parties, but parents hate working as unpaid chauffeurs. Give everybody a slice of life by hosting birthday parties on Zoom and Twitch! Note that your child needn’t actually attend their own party – a recording of them will do.

4. Teach them to make Roblox apps.

Anna* was 10 when she built her first video game on Roblox, a digital platform where young people can make, share and play games together….

As she became more proficient, Anna’s work caught the attention of some experienced users on Roblox, game-makers in their 20s who messaged her with a proposition to collaborate on a more ambitious project. Flattered by their interest, Anna became the fifth member of the nascent team, contributing art, design and programming to the game….. She calculated that she was on course to earn $300,000 in a year, a salary equivalent to that of a highly experienced Google programmer.

– The trouble with Roblox

5. Train your child to produce hand-crafted goods to sell on Etsy.

Kids have small fingers, but most don’t develop dexterity until their teenage years. Consider giving younger ones repetitive/unskilled tasks (e.g. simple assembly). Use templates to guide them toward adult-quality creations.

6. Turn their tantrums into art.

Harness your child’s raw inner experience to make unforgettable art. Capitalize on their crayon-drawn frustrations!

7. Sell their hair.

Every year, millions of people lose their hair from incurable diseases like aging. Make a positive difference by selling your child’s hair. Children’s hair tends to be softer and smoother and may go for a heavy premium. Plus, think of all the money you’ll save on shampoo!

8. Advertise their lifestyle on Instagram.

Partner with timeless brands like Gymboree and Old Navy for sponsored content. Parents can profit while their children chase the latest trends.

Unfortunately, your kids may be tempted to spin-off as indpendent brands. To prevent them from exercising leverage over you, restrict their internet access and maintain secrecy. They’ll understand when they’re older.

9. Train your children to preform petty theft.

Kids make excellent pickpocketers. Their tiny hands and air of innocence make them virtually undetectable. Encourage as much theft as possible before puberty – the justice system starts taking permanent measures around 12-13 years of age. Use random checks and daily totals to ensure that your kids don’t keep loose funds! Stealing from family is never acceptable.

10. Create a family lifestyle blog.

If you and your child are moderately attractive, stage photoshoots of crafts/activities that will make other parents envious. Be sure to practice your smiles in front of the mirror!

11. Sell a course on how to be a good parent.

Everybody will be delighted to learn exactly what type of parent you are. Because obviously you’re a good parent.