Scientists find exciting new way to talk about nothing in press releases
In a groundbreaking development, a team of renowned scientists unlocked a revolutionary method to discuss absolutely nothing in press releases.
This cutting-edge approach combines many of the novel techniques recently seen in quantum gravity, faster-than-light travel, and magnetic monopoles. Many are calling this a breakthrough in synthesizing “illusions of understanding”.
Dr. Noah Xing, the world’s leading authority on nothing, explains, “The interesting bits of science are either propietary or inscrutable, but science journalism is written by the layman for the layman. We must continue to exaggerate findings until everybody is an armchair expert and distrusts research announcements. After all, universities need to stay competetive in the attention economy.”
The lab’s new approach to nothing was thoroughly tested on 3.1 mice and a dish of E. Coli. Foreign labs have failed to reproduce these findings on a crow named Oscar.
If more grants are secured, the team expects to start testing on humans by May 2344. With venture capital and extreme ethical gymnastics, this stuff could be unleashed on the public by Thursday.
Although this research will ultimately prove worthless, the team remains optimistic. The lab’s lead researcher remarks, “Most of science is boring, but that shouldn’t stop the flow of advertising revenue. To maintain public trust, we must celebrate everything before it’s ready.”
Famed futurist Dr. Michio Kaku predicts that this will “eliminate poverty, aging, war, and mosquitos”, which is weird because we did not even reach out to him for comment.