# Profitable Parenting

Middle-class families
[spend ~$13K per year](https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child)
on every child. Parents quickly discover that kids sap incalculable quantities
of time/energy from every waking hour.

But raising children shouldn't bankrupt your family! What if you ran your family
like a business? What if motherhood looked more like management? What if each
baby was an investment in _your_ future?

_Profitable Parenting_ brings balanced budgets to all households. This guide
will teach you how to transform _your_ children from liabilities into assets.

Furthermore, _Profitable Parenting_ aligns your wallet with your moral compass.
Give your little ones the gift of life-long skills and a strong work ethic!
Build their confidence and character via manual labor.

1. [Become a toothfairy.](#1)
2. [Use affiliate links.](#2)
3. [Sell tickets to virtual birthday parties.](#3)
4. [Teach them to make Roblox apps.](#4)
5. [Train your child to produce hand-crafted goods to sell on Etsy.](#5)
6. [Turn their tantrums into art.](#6)
7. [Sell their hair.](#7)
8. [Advertise their lifestyle on Instagram.](#8)
9. [Train your children to preform petty theft.](#9)
10. [Create a family lifestyle blog.](#10)
11. [Sell a course on how to be a good parent.](#11)

[^note]: Caveat: Be careful not to create a sweatshop in your own home! Consider
scheduling "half-days" on weekends and federal holidays. Children are more than
18 years of cheap labor; worker loyalty is always worth consideration.

## 1. Become a toothfairy. {1}

Sell your child's lost teeth! Take inspiration from
[human teeth crafts on Etsy](https://www.etsy.com/market/human_teeth) or partner
with an ethical supplier like [B for Bones](https://bforbones.com).

## 2. Use affiliate links. {2}

Give your children affiliate links to hand out to their classmates. There's
nothing more popular than the latest trends from Amazon!

## 3. Sell tickets to virtual birthday parties. {3}

Children love screens and birthday parties, but parents hate working as unpaid
chauffeurs. Give everybody a slice of life by hosting birthday parties on
[Zoom](https://zoom.us) and [Twitch](https://www.twitch.tv)! Note that your
child needn't actually attend their own party -- a recording of them will do.

## 4. Teach them to make Roblox apps. {4}

> Anna\* was 10 when she built her first video game on Roblox, a digital
> platform where young people can make, share and play games together....
>
> As she became more proficient, Anna’s work caught the attention of some
> experienced users on Roblox, game-makers in their 20s who messaged her with a
> proposition to collaborate on a more ambitious project. Flattered by their
> interest, Anna became the fifth member of the nascent team, contributing art,
> design and programming to the game..... She calculated that she was on course
> to earn $300,000 in a year, a salary equivalent to that of a highly
> experienced Google programmer.
>
> --
> [_The trouble with Roblox_](https://www.theguardian.com/games/2022/jan/09/the-trouble-with-roblox-the-video-game-empire-built-on-child-labour#:~:text=With%20no%20contracts%20in%20place,to%20a%2040%25%20pay%20cut.)

## 5. Train your child to produce hand-crafted goods to sell on Etsy. {5}

Kids have small fingers, but most don't develop dexterity until their teenage years. Consider giving younger ones
repetitive/unskilled tasks (e.g. simple assembly). Use templates to guide them
toward adult-quality creations.

## 6. Turn their tantrums into art. {6}

Harness your child's raw inner experience to make unforgettable art. Capitalize
on their crayon-drawn frustrations!

## 7. Sell their hair. {7}

Every year, millions of people lose their hair from incurable diseases like
aging. Make a positive difference by selling your child's hair. Children's hair
tends to be softer and smoother and may go for a heavy premium. Plus, think of
all the money you'll save on shampoo!

## 8. Advertise their lifestyle on Instagram. {8}

Partner with timeless brands like Gymboree and Old Navy for sponsored content.
Parents can profit while their children chase the latest trends.

Unfortunately, your kids may be tempted to spin-off as indpendent brands. To
prevent them from exercising leverage over you, restrict their internet access
and maintain secrecy. They'll understand when they're older.

## 9. Train your children to preform petty theft. {9}

Kids make excellent pickpocketers. Their tiny hands and air of innocence make
them virtually undetectable. Encourage as much theft as possible before puberty
-- the justice system starts taking permanent measures around 12-13 years of
age. Use random checks and daily totals to ensure that your kids don't keep
loose funds! Stealing from family is never acceptable.

## 10. Create a family lifestyle blog. {10}

If you and your child are moderately attractive, stage photoshoots of
crafts/activities that will make other parents envious. Be sure to practice your
smiles in front of the mirror!

## 11. Sell a course on how to be a good parent. {11}

Everybody will be delighted to learn exactly what type of parent you are. Because obviously you're a good parent.