# Placebo Emporium: 2025 Annual Shareholder Letter

Dearest valued shareholders,

Thank you so much for supporting Placebo Emporium. Since 1971, we've been proud
to sell the world's finest placebos at affordable wholesale prices.

## Strategic Initiatives & Progress

Annual revenue increased 11% (from $108B to $119B) in 2025 \[see table 8F in
appendix\]. We credit much of this increase to the launch of our wildly popular
"spicy mayo" and "licorice" flavor add-ons.

Traffic to our online store surged 6% this year, thanks to new marketing
campaigns and ad placements. The "you won't believe our prices" campaign took
the internet by storm after premiering on Saturday Night Live's episode with Sam
Bankman Fried (and his cast of prison puppets), who performed surprisingly well
from his humble prison webcam.

[^note]: Jim Henson's legacy looms over us yet. Puppeteering is a serious
    artform and surely due for a comeback.

Our new line of BetterSleep™ placebos shows a 250% improvement over traditional
sleep aids like white noise, lying still, simulating sheep -- whatever helps you
sleep at night.

## Challenges & Responses

This year was full of learning and growth opportunities for our organization.

In response to "shrinkflation" allegations, we have added 10% more placebo to
each pill bottle, and doubled[^5] the potency of our intramuscular syringes,
nasal sprays, and suppositories. We guarantee that our placebos will help you
regress to any mean, or else!

[^5]: Potency is measured on our proprietary Inert Compound Index, which has
    never once returned a nonzero reading. Doubling it was inexpensive.

We are aware that many _highly disreputable_ organizations have reported rising
rates of placebo addiction (and overdoses). To placate regulators, we launched
Placebo Emporium Addiction Support (PEAS) groups in select cities nationwide;
these anonymous groups meet at undisclosed locations every Tuesday (or
whenever).

Supply-chain disruptions delayed the production of our double-blind-resistant
placebos. We are optimistic that our manufacturing partners in Vietnam will
double their Nothing™ output by Q3 2026.

[^note]: Nothing™ may induce unintended side-effects for hypochondriacs. If you
    think you or a loved one may be affected, visit our website to schedule a
    supplemental HypochondriaResistance™ injection.

Unfortunately, these supply shocks have reignited the sale of black market
placebos and stoked gang violence across the nation. These cheap imitations are
often cut with psychoactive substances, leading to negative side-effects such as
elevated heart-rate and feeling really really good. Placebo Emporium guarantees
that its placebos contain 100% non-bioavailable matter \[PremiumPills™ only,
while supplies last\].

[^note]: Talk to your doctor before taking placebos. Do not operate heavy
    machinery. May increase risk of injury or death. May reduce chances of
    afterlife.

Due to unforeseen quality-control issues, we were forced to issue a
ThoughtsAndPrayers™ recall for a tiny subset of customers. Our heart goes out to
all families impacted by this event.

As religiosity decreases worldwide, our freelance mystics (e.g. monks, bishops,
Etsy witches) have been unable to meet the demand for intercessory prayer. Some
Q2 requests will be prayed for in Q3. Please see attached printout of
[Gwern](https://gwern.net)'s essay, _Retroactive Intercessory Prayer and its
Antecedents_.

## Market Environment & Industry Trends

Placebo Emporium is eager to meet demand in the growing holistic medicine
market. We have committed $200M to potential product lines that will replicate
that special mystical feeling of homeopathy/witchcraft/etc.

All our placebos are sustainably sourced from the finest inert matter, but we
continue to face fierce competition in the natural foods sector. Our
organic/vegan/non-GMO placebos have accrued steady market share over the past
year. We believe that we can attain market dominance before 2030 by bribing
Whole Foods employees with livable wages.

As income inequality increases, we expect the bifurcating economy to create many
fresh marketing challenges for our company. For our wealthier customers, our
PremiumPlus™ package delivers the same beloved placebo experience at double the
price.

## Looking Forward

[^note]: Forward-looking statements may or may not look forward.

After many fruitful conversations with US regulators, we are excited to announce
that our disposable "straight-up meth" vapes will be back on shelves early next
year.

[^note]: May contain actual meth.

PlaceboforPets™ is ready to roll out in stores nationwide. Pets seem generally
immune to the placebo effect, but pet-parents remain vulnerable. We expect
PlaceboforPets™ treatments to be 25% cheaper than typical veterinarian care.

[^note]: If humans want to remain the dominant species on Earth, do not feed
    PlaceboforPets™ to raccoons. You have been warned.

Looking to the future, our R&D team is working diligently to synthesize
quantum-resistant placebos. Keith Park, our new VP of Lasers, is really really
smart and delightful at after-work mixers.

## Closing

We are so deeply grateful to our family of customers and equity partners. Your
money means the world to us.

In 2025 and beyond, Placebo Emporium delivers its "less is more" promise in new
and exciting ways. We think something is happening.

_Warmest feelings,_

Mr. Fench "Doctor Fench" Hastings, FhD, MBA, CPA