# Scientists find exciting new way to talk about nothing in press releases

In a groundbreaking development, a team of renowned scientists unlocked a
revolutionary method to discuss absolutely nothing in press releases.

This cutting-edge approach combines many of the novel techniques recently seen
in quantum gravity, faster-than-light travel, and magnetic monopoles. Many are
calling this a breakthrough in synthesizing "illusions of understanding".

Dr. Noah Xing, the world's leading authority on nothing, explains, "The
interesting bits of science are either propietary or inscrutable, but science
journalism is written _by_ the layman _for_ the layman. We must continue to
exaggerate findings until everybody is an armchair expert and distrusts research
announcements. After all, universities need to stay competetive in the attention
economy."

The lab's new approach to nothing was thoroughly tested on 3.1 mice and a dish
of _E. Coli_. Foreign labs have failed to reproduce these findings on a crow
named Oscar.

If more grants are secured, the team expects to start testing on humans by
May 2344. With venture capital and extreme ethical gymnastics, this stuff could
be unleashed on the public by Thursday.

Although this research will ultimately prove worthless, the team remains
optimistic. The lab's lead researcher remarks, "Most of science is boring, but
that shouldn't stop the flow of advertising revenue. To maintain public trust,
we must celebrate everything before it's ready."

Famed futurist Dr. Michio Kaku predicts that this will "eliminate poverty,
aging, war, and mosquitos", which is weird because we did not even reach out to
him for comment.