# A Conversation Algorithm I Cribbed From Clinical Psychologists Many folks find me abrasive. I pry, probe, steamroll conversations, miss social cues, argue, trounce boundaries, send mixed/unintentional signals, deeply offend, and so on. I'm as charismatic as a root canal. But I'm determined to grow. Books like [HTWFAIP](https://bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-dale-carnegie/7496534?ean=9780671027032&next=t) and [How to Have Impossible Conversations](https://bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-have-impossible-conversations-a-very-practical-guide-james-lindsay/GiLxpVyZquaT5MND?ean=9780738285344&next=t) and [How To Talk So Kids Will Listen](https://bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-listen-so-kids-will-talk-adele-faber/12161462?ean=9781451663884&next=t) contain countless gems to evoke the best from people. Unfortunately, I can't use that wisdom. When it comes time to put my mouth where my mouth is, I drown in the speed of normal conversation. People [somehow learn this stuff](/talk-like-a-therapist). There's literally school for it. How do _they_ learn to talk and listen? There are no shortcuts. In licensed therapy programs, professionals evangelize conflicting frameworks and nobody knows what's going on. I'm here to share one such framework. ## Motivational Interviewing [Motivational Interviewing](https://bookshop.org/p/books/motivational-interviewing-helping-people-change-and-grow-william-r-miller/19798346?ean=9781462552795&next=t) was developed for substance abuse rehabilitation, but it's grown popular with clinical psychologists, therapists, counselors, etc. I'm no professional -- just some random internet person -- but MI has dramatically improved my listening skills. My amateur summary of MI is that (1) people feel ambivalence, (2) change comes from within, and (3) "OARS" conversations hasten that change. ### Ambivalence I suddenly spotted that ambivalence everywhere. People frequently feel anxiety/grief about work, family, health, etc. These enormous feelings leak into conversations as venting, gossip, smalltalk, and current events. [^note]: [Street Epistomology](https://www.streetepistemology.com) offers guides on how to encourage productive dialogue. Consider using those techniques to help others explore beliefs and feelings. ### Change Watching somebody's brain "click" is a rare delight of life. All of a sudden, that face lights up -- loss to enlightenment. These moments rarely happen during dialogue, because [you can't change the brain through the ears.](https://www.experimental-history.com/p/you-cant-reach-the-brain-through) Think about your own experience. Most "a-ha" moments don't occur in the classroom -- they happen while doing the homework. There is no substitute for first-person learning. You cannot lecture somebody into changing beliefs/feelings/motivations, but you can totally watch friends do their homework. [^note]: Don't assume too much -- part of the magic is learning what homework they've assigned themselves. ### OARS When people share confused/conflicting feelings, you can use OARS: - _Open-ended Questions_: Encouraging elaboration with "what," "how," and "tell me about" questions that explore feelings, values, and priorities while avoiding judgmental "why" questions that can shut down conversation. - _Affirmations_: Recognizing strengths, efforts, self-awareness, and courage shown through expressing conflicting feelings, including positive qualities the person might not recognize in themselves. - _Reflective Listening_: Demonstrating understanding of their perspective using both simple and complex reflections that capture underlying meanings and both sides of ambivalence, sometimes incorporating metaphors to represent emotional complexity. - _Summarizing_: Collecting and linking important elements by highlighting key tensions, structuring summaries to show relationships between different feelings, and ending with an invitation for correction or further exploration. Yeah, I hate social-science acronyms too. I've internalized it as an algorithm: 1. Move conversations along via "You..." statements. Where do you think they're going with this? e.g. "You're thinking about quitting.", "You're frustrated by your progress.", "You're unsure what to do next." If you don't know where they're going next, ask an open-ended question. 2. If you're impressed by somebody's strength/courage/etc, pay them a compliment. Never lie or patronize. 3. When they conclude a line of thought, ask an open-ended question. 4. When lots of tangents/threads are open, identify themes/patterns and try summarizing. [^note]: Practice your conversational skills with this LLM prompt: "Help me practice OARS via role-playing. You are a friend I haven't seen in a few weeks." ### Examples > I'm thinking about trying that new restaurant downtown, but I saw some mixed > reviews online. Some people loved it and others said the service was terrible. - _Open-ended Question:_ "What kinds of things make or break a restaurant experience for you?" - _Affirmation:_ "You're doing your homework before spending your money there." - _Reflective Listening:_ "You're curious about the place but hesitant because of what you've read." - _Summarizing:_ "You want to check out this new spot, but the inconsistent reviews have you wondering if it's worth the risk of having a disappointing night out." > Everyone's talking about that new show, but I watched three episodes and just > couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm missing something. - _Open-ended Question:_ "What about it didn't click for you?" - _Affirmation:_ "You gave it a fair chance instead of just going along with the hype." - _Reflective Listening:_ "You're feeling a bit out of step with what everyone else seems to be enjoying." - _Summarizing:_ "So while this show is getting all this buzz, it just didn't connect with you despite giving it several episodes, and now you're wondering if there's something you're not seeing that others are." > Did you hear about that big tech company layoff? They cut 5000 jobs after > reporting record profits last quarter. It seems so unfair. - _Open-ended Question:_ "What do you think is really behind these kinds of corporate decisions?" - _Affirmation:_ "You're keeping up with business news and noticing the contradictions there." - _Reflective Listening:_ "The timing of cutting jobs right after announcing big profits feels wrong to you." - _Summarizing:_ "So you're seeing this disconnect between a company doing well financially and still eliminating thousands of jobs, which raises questions about their priorities and values." > I hate my job. My boss micromanages everything I do, and I feel like I'm > wasting my talents. But I can't afford to quit. - _Open-ended Question:_ "What bugs you most about your everyday work life?" - _Affirmation:_ "You really know your worth and you're being smart about the money side of things too." - _Reflective Listening:_ "Sounds like you're stuck between a job that's dragging you down and bills that need to be paid." - _Summarizing:_ "So your boss's hovering is driving you crazy, and you know you could be doing better things with your skills. But right now, the financial reality is keeping you from making a move." > I know I should exercise more and eat better. Every Monday I start a new > routine but by Wednesday I'm back to my old habits. I just don't have the > willpower. - _Open-ended Question:_ "What tends to throw you off track around Wednesday?" - _Affirmation:_ "I notice you keep trying every week - that takes some real persistence." - _Reflective Listening:_ "It's pretty frustrating when you start strong but can't seem to keep it going." - _Summarizing:_ "You want those healthier habits and you give it a fresh shot every week. You start off great, but something happens a couple days in that knocks you off course, and that's got you thinking maybe you just don't have what it takes." > I've been offered two jobs. One pays better but requires long hours. The other > is more aligned with my interests but the salary is lower. I've been going > back and forth for days and can't decide. - _Open-ended Question:_ "Besides the money and hours, what really matters to you in a job right now?" - _Affirmation:_ "You're not jumping at the first offer - you're really thinking this through." - _Reflective Listening:_ "You're torn between the paycheck and doing something you actually care about, and it's stressing you out." - _Summarizing:_ "So you're at this fork in the road - more money but less life, or work you care about but tighter finances. It's tough because both paths speak to different things you value." > My partner and I keep having the same argument. They say I'm not communicative > enough, but when I try to talk, they interrupt or criticize what I'm saying. > It's easier to just stay quiet. - _Open-ended Question:_ "What would good talking between you two look like?" - _Affirmation:_ "You're pretty tuned in to what's happening between you two." - _Reflective Listening:_ "You're in this loop where trying to open up just leads to feeling shut down, so why bother?" - _Summarizing:_ "So they want you to talk more, but when you do, you get cut off or criticized. That makes you clam up, which brings you back to square one. No wonder you're frustrated."